Every couple goes through tough times now and then. Do you have the
commitment and know-how to fix a relationship? Here are some fresh perspectives
and tips on rebuilding the closeness you both need.
Relationships are fragile. I like to
think of a relationship as a beautiful set of hand-painted dinnerware. Each
plate, each saucer, each soup bowl is distinct and lovely. Each is the product
of hard work. And each is fragile.
Drop a dessert plate and your
service for eight becomes service for seven. It’s not whole and perfect but
it’s still serviceable.
But it doesn’t stop there. A dinner
plate slips out of your hands while you’re washing dishes after a party. Soup
bowls get chipped around the rim. At some point your dinnerware set isn’t
complete anymore. It has suffered too much breakage to be saved.
That is exactly what happens to
relationships.
Relationships are fragile because
human beings are fragile. When you put two people together, things get a little
messy after a while. Some of the problems are mild, easily overlooked. Other
problems are too large to ignore.
One thing is for certain. When you
love someone it’s always best to try to fix the problems. It’s better to look
back and say, “I gave it 100 percent,” than to think, “I should have tried a
little more.”
You can’t fix a relationship simply
by trying harder, nor by sweeping problems under the rug. You’ve got to take
action. Here are some of the steps you must take, time-tested advice on how to
fix a relationship.
Figure
Out the Problem
The love you feel for each other is
a foundation you can build on when things get tough.
The very first step to resolving
relationship issues is to figure out what the real problem is. There are many
times when we imagine problems that just aren’t there or when we turn something
else into an issue when the real problem is being ignored.
If you want to fix your relationship
then you have to know and understand what the problems are in your relationship
and you have to stop ignoring those problems.
Don’t confuse the events that make a
problem surface with the true cause of the problem. If you are sick and tired
of the way he walks away and leaves his dishes on the table after dinner,
leaving you to carry them to the sink and wash them, it’s easy to focus on the
dishes as the problem. But the real problem is that you feel you are not
respected, and even that you’re being taken advantage of. The real problem is
emotional.
If he could find other ways to show
you that he respects you and values your time, if he began doing more so that
you never felt you were being taken advantage of, you’d carry the plates to the
sink every night without giving it a second thought. The plates weren’t the
problem. The real problem was something deeper. It always is.
Go
in Order of Importance
Not all issues are major problems.
No relationship is perfect, after all, and if you make every little thing a
disagreement, then you’re only increasing your problems and not resolving any
of them. If you have more than one legitimate issue that’s breaking your
relationship apart, then you need to make a list in order of importance.
For example, his leaving the toilet
seat up probably should not be on the list. If it is, is belongs on the bottom.
Save the top items on the list for
the real problems, like his expensive, boozy trips to strip clubs when you’re
doing your best to save money to cover the rent.
Prioritize the issues in order of importance and work from the top of the list down.
Prioritize the issues in order of importance and work from the top of the list down.
It’s extremely common for us to let
frustration and anger about the strip-club visits build up until we reach the
boiling point. Then we blow up all at once over a small, unrelated annoyance
like the toilet seat. He’ll be confused and defensive and you won’t get what
you want. Prioritize. It’s important.
Talk
to Each Other
If you want your relationship to
work, you have to talk to each other. Communication is the key to a healthy
relationship. Until you fix your communication, you won’t be able to fix your
relationship.
Learn how to stop nagging each other
and start listening to each other instead. You wouldn’t believe how many issues
resolve themselves when you and your partner open up the lines of
communication.
Get
Counseling
If you’re finding it difficult to
talk to each other and communicate openly about your relationship problems,
then you might need a little outside help to get your relationship back on the
right track. One of the best things you could do is seek marriage or couples
counseling.
A counselor is professionally
trained to help you and your lover work through your problems when
communication between the two of you is lacking. In other words, a counselor is
a mediator.
A counselor helps resolve immediate
problems by untying complex issues and helping each of you understand the
other’s point-of-view. In the long term, counseling can teach you the skills
you need to keep communication with your guy clear and open without outside
help.
It’s not uncommon for couples to
seek counseling, so there’s no reason to feel threatened or ashamed. In fact,
an outside perspective will be beneficial to you both. Counseling is so
informative and empowering I recommend it even for couples who aren’t having
problems.
Discuss
Your Options
Whatever it is that’s keeping your
relationship broken, it’s going to have to go. Discuss your options. Decide
what you and your lover can and cannot live with. Figure out what you both need
to do to change things for the better.
Counseling is an option. A vacation
away from each other is another. Talk about what you need to keep your
relationship going and to move past the issues that are dividing you today.
Make
an Effort to Change
All of the relationship talk in the
world won’t do you any bit of good if you’re not making a real effort to change
your ways.
It’s true.
You and your mate really have to
want to make things work. You have to put in some effort to make things work.
Saving a relationship requires commitment and action.
Change is hard, I know. On the other
hand, change is an inevitable part of life and you need to embrace it. Fixing a
broken relationship means going with the flow. If your relationship is to move
forward, you have to be prepared to move with it.
You should not be surprised to learn
that just as you have a prioritized list of things that must change about your
relationship, your partner does too. He’ll have to change the behaviors that
drive you crazy if the relationship is to survive, and you’ll have to be ready
to change as well.
It’s impossible to fix a
relationship if you’re not capable or willing to make improvements in yourself,
and your partner must be willing to do the same thing.
Pick
Your Battles
No relationship is perfect. No
matter how much you try to keep the peace, eventually there will be something
you and your guy just can’t seem to agree on. You’ll argue. Everyone does.
Do you want to know the real reason
relationships have problems? It’s the little things. You can get past the big
issues. It’s the everyday annoyances that make couples crazy!
For example, how many times have you
asked him to put the toilet seat down? How often do you have to remind him to
grab a plate instead of getting crumbs all over the sofa? Honestly, those
little things are exasperating!
The reason they get under a skin
isn’t the toilet seat or the crumbs. It’s the dismaying conviction that he’s
not listening to you, that what you want isn’t important to him, that he would
do these things if his mother or his boss asked, but he won’t do them for you.
Your argument, when it comes, won’t
be productive. You’ll be arguing about crumbs on the sofa, and the truth is you
don’t care about the crumbs. You want to be respected and valued. You want him
to treat you with the same consideration he gives his boss or a stranger on the
bus. Your argument can’t resolve those issues if you think it’s about the
crumbs.
But we argue about the little things
anyway. I’m sure there are little things about you that he finds annoying too.
It’s an inevitable part of living together.
That’s why you need to pick your
battles. Is his inability to put the cap back on the toothpaste really a deal
breaker? Is it really that important to you?
Nobody’s perfect. I’m not saying you
shouldn’t try to make the little changes in your everyday lives, but I am
telling you not to let them build up to big proportions. It’s not worth losing
your lover over the small stuff.
If the little things add up to a
pattern of taking you for granted or disrespecting you or not being sensitive
to your emotions, then you need to work on that. Don’t waste time and emotional
energy fighting about toothpaste.
Ask
for Help
Our fear of asking for help all too
often becomes a barrier to closeness.
I’m going to let you in on a little
something I learned from my ex-husband. Apparently I have a hard time asking
for help.
I admit it. Playing the girl card is
difficult for me because I’ve been a single mom for half of my life. I am proud
of being self-sufficient and I hate admitting weakness.
He also had a hard time asking for
help. He usually just did things by himself and told me about it later.
Together, our inability to ask each other for help put a lot of strain on our
relationship.
This wasn’t the only problem in our
marriage. But this one added to the stress because we never could seem to work
together to resolve our problems. We couldn’t even admit we were having
problems, because we were both so committed to being strong.
Instead of thinking you’re fine
doing it alone, ask your lover for help. Asking for help can be a sign of
strength, not weakness.
You’re a couple. Couples love and
take care of each other. They help each other. When you don’t ask for help,
your partner feels isolated and left out. That makes the gulf between you
bigger instead of bringing you closer. Be a couple.
Divide
Responsibilities
Another part of being a couple is
sharing the responsibilities. You can’t expect him to work all day and then
come home and cook and clean. And it’s not fair for him to expect you to do
that either. It is absolutely imperative that you and your partner learn to
share the tasks and responsibilities around the house.
Sharing the responsibilities puts you
and your guy on an equal level in the relationship. You don’t have to worry
about inequality. You know that he’s there to back you up. Relationships in
which people walk beside each other always last longer than those in which
someone does more of the work.
How you divide the responsibilities
is between you and your partner. I’m in no position to tell you what’s right
and wrong for you as a couple. There have been relationships where I stayed
home and cooked and cleaned, there have been some where I went to work and he
took care of the house, and there have been those in which we both worked and
had to figure everything at home out as best we could.
The point is, you have to be equal
and work together if you’re going to make your relationship work. Unequal
distribution of the workload makes one partner feel resentful while the other
gradually starts to feel a mounting debt of guilt.
Bring
Back the Intimacy
Many couples forget how to be
intimate together. I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about caring. You can
have sex and still feel lonely in your relationship. What you and your guy need
to do is find little ways to bring back the intimacy.
Intimacy is one of the most
important things in a relationship. We all have friends. We’ve all had flings
or one-night stands. A relationship is based on something deeper than either of
those things.
One of the first and easiest ways to
start bringing back the intimacy is to simply ask, “How was your day?” every
evening. Asking him about his day shows that you’re interested in his feelings
and thoughts. When he starts to tell you about his day, listen. After a while
he’ll start listening to you about your day too. And before long you will find
yourself confiding in each other, sharing your hopes and misgivings, your doubts
and fears and triumphs. Isn’t that what you want from a relationship?
Another easy way to bring back the
intimacy is to touch each other – even when you’re not in bed. Hold hands in
public, cuddle on the couch, wrap your arms around each other when you’re
walking together. Touching each other is one of the most intimate forms of
contact you can have.
Aside from that, it’s important to
discuss things. You don’t have to talk constantly. You don’t have to plumb the
depths of your soul for your truest, deepest feelings every time you talk. But
when you’re lying in bed at night, have a light conversation. Keeping the
friendship in your relationship will keep the intimacy alive, which is a great
way to begin fixing a broken relationship.
Know
When to Make an Ultimatum
An ultimatum isn’t about your
relationship with him. It’s about your relationship with yourself.
Sometimes you can’t fix a
relationship without making an ultimatum. It isn’t always easy to lay down the
law, but there are some relationships that need more work than others. If you
can’t handle it anymore, and you know what the problem is, then it’s time to
give your guy an ultimatum.
Maybe you’re working to support a
partner who isn’t working, but still doesn’t help out around the house.
Maybe he has a drug or alcohol
addiction.
Maybe another problem has become too
big for you to handle.
Ultimatums are sometimes necessary
to fix a broken relationship because they show your partner that you are
serious and the threat of your leaving is very, very real.
An ultimatum isn’t about your
relationship with your guy. It’s about your relationship with yourself. It’s
where you draw the line about what you are willing to accept and what you can’t
accept anymore. Issuing an ultimatum is a way of keeping your relationship with
yourself healthy and honest. We are all willing to pay a price for love and to
sacrifice for a relationship. But it’s important for our integrity and our
health to know where the limits are and to speak up when enough is enough.
The
Bottom Line
Most of all, fixing a broken
relationship requires a shared willingness to work hard. That willingness can
only come from appreciating and valuing the relationship. If your guy shows a
willingness to work hard to fix things, and if you too are prepared to put in
the hours and energy it will take, then you will almost certainly be
successful.
Look him in the eye. Acknowledge
that you’re having problems. And ask him, for the sake of the love that brought
you together, to be your partner in fixing things.
The candor and vulnerability you
bring to that discussion will almost certainly evoke a loving commitment in
return. And you can begin the hard job of fixing your relationship.
Hi. I’m Designer of Blog Magic. I’m CEO/Founder of ThemeXpose. I’m Creative Art Director, Web Designer, UI/UX Designer, Interaction Designer, Industrial Designer, Web Developer, Business Enthusiast, StartUp Enthusiast, Speaker, Writer and Photographer. Inspired to make things looks better.
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